Before, I walked
unconnected, felt
not line between
the mothers and
sisters of my
blood and my life.
Before, I pictured
hospitals, elastic waist
bands, pink and blue
cakes when birth came to mind.
Before, when I thought of mother,
my soul conjured up broken promises, insults, lies,
money-colored memories of
selfish deeds. I would smoke
cigarettes and lick my wounds.
Before, I said mother was
a mechanism that drained
life from women it enslaved. Babies
were cute but
they grew, were demanding, loved
and then hated; they came and then
they went away.
I was having
a hard time raising
a dog.
Before, African or
African-American mothering
to me was our
cleaning lady, Katie,
going to see her son
in prison and working
three jobs just to keep
three other kids
happy. Before,
a utopia was writing
what I felt moved to all
day, free drugs, smart, beautiful
women, seventy-two degrees, inner
peace for everyone I love,
no love handles.
Before, it was what
I knew. I didn’t realize
it was what
I didn’t know.
After
After, I can’t say
I see clearly–my thoughts
are a continuum of
constant evolution.
Nonetheless, since
Before,
they have changed.
Now, I feel the
umbilical cord pulling
me towards the mothers
and sisters of my blood
and my life. I now picture
multiplying cells, rings of
fire, Molly in the baby
pool with her hand at her
feminine center cradling Ivy’s
head, when birth comes to
mind. When I think of my
mother now, it’s biscuits and
gravy, pie, a slow-pouring accent
and a love that centers around
an oven and a stove. I eat and am
fulfilled. Now, I say mothering is
a rebirth, a dedication, a love and
a hate, a stereotype. It is a
vocation that isn’t for everyone.
I don’t know if it is for me.
African and African-American motherhood,
to me now, is a community, a struggle, a
war; it is still something I and
my white privilege will never
understand.
A utopia now is
a good education for
every child, true freedom of
thought and being, void of
stereotypes, a thinking community.
It is now what I can learn,
and what I hope to change
and create.